I will begin a new job on Monday that will (sadly) rob me of my pedestrian commutes to work, which I have enjoyed for the last five years. These daily walks have provided me not only with a sense of pre-work zen but also with a variety of insights into human nature as well as allowed me to perform my own amateur sociological experiments on the general public.

This week, however, I have noticed an increasing trend in impractical wardrobe choices in the female population. Now, females have never been known to sacrifice fashion for comfort. (Though I myself may be an exception; I’ve been wearing these goddamn shoes daily since 2005…very Ally Sheedy à la The Breakfast Club.)

You may have noticed the weather has turned a bit, dipping down into the 50’s, a wee blistery, breezy, gusty at times…I tend to check the Weather Channel in the mornings before leaving the house to ensure I am dressed accordingly so there are no wardrobe failures on my 45+ minute commute to my place of employment.

Now, ladies and gentlemen. If you walk through the commercial district of Seattle, you will notice via the window displays of department stores what retailers are peddling to young women this season. And, like hordes of easily-led automatons, girls are flocking to the registers, treasures in tow, eager to stroll the streets of Seattle looking as adorable as possible. I admire their enthusiasm and never discourage people from being happy, no matter the source.

But when it’s blistery cold and the wind is whipping through city streets, is this the best wardrobe choice? (This particular example comes from American Apparel, a store I usually stroll by and regard their merchandise with a cocked eyebrow and an internalized “really??”)
These bloody things are everywhere, draped over shivering unsheathed legs terminating in four-inch heels, clomping along sidewalks, while well-manicured hands brace the sides of the fabric to prevent random breezes from baring their skivvies. I admire their self-confidence, I really do…heaven knows I wouldn’t mind having legs like that. But that self confidence just goes the wayside when they’re outside in the cold and the wind trying to manage the technicalities of their outfit and their oversized handbags and their mochas and they’ve forgotten how to walk in their heels with all the multitasking going on. I’m just so tempted to run over and HELP them…bloody hell they make being a girl so complicated. They need some Danskos and a hug.

Voulez-voulez-vous upskirt.