I’m sure most everyone by now is familiar with the infamous iPhone Autocorrect Phenomenon. I’m relatively new to the iPhone, after waiting patiently for two years to escape Verizon Blackberry Storm2 Hell. I had disabled the spellcheck feature on my Blackberry because, as most people of my generation, I went to school before the digital age. So we were forced to learn proper grammar, punctuation and spelling.
Needless to say I found it frustrating that a small piece of metal and circuitry had the audacity to presume that it knew what I was going to say before I said it.
We considered couples counseling for a while.

However, when I finally acquired my iPhone, so fascinated was I by the autocorrect phenomenon I was determined to see what alternatives this sleek and sexy device came up with to words that fell victim to my fat and clumsy thumbs.

I must say, 60% of the time, it is more than mostly awesome.
I’ve included screenshots to better illustrate. I’ve been collecting them over time. (You can tell who I text the most). There are some particularly hilarious ones, but they tend to be somewhat racy, one even involving a gerbil, so alas they will have to remain in my photo album.

I have family that read this thing.

I have noticed the autocorrect feature does enjoy defaulting to “Hebrews” and “Jews” quite a bit. I’m not altogether certain what that’s all about. I’ve never once seen “Jesus” or “Allah” or “The Flying Spaghetti Monster” being offered as an alternative. I’m hoping I’m not an anti-Semite at heart, or something, since I’ve never deliberately meant to type about God’s chosen people.

And although profanity is not contained in it’s vast lexicon (“shit” becomes “shot”, “fuck” becomes “fick”, even “hell” becomes “he’ll”), I have noticed “Oobleck” and “Vulcan” pass it’s filters. Which is quite sexy-cool, albeit illogical.
(*snicker*)

I have noticed the damnyouautocorrect.com site, however funny, has become somewhat of a staged endeavor. When male and female body parts are used in excess as well as profanity, I wave the bullshit flag on that one. You see more dad’s bringing hookers home, moms and dildos, eating penises for lunch, grandmothers asking for condoms…I mean, honestly now. Don’t be so obvious and it might actually pass for funny. I mean, Hehee to Hebrew? That’s comedy, man! So yeah, maybe I’m biased, And yeah, maybe I *am* my own best form of entertainment. Which is why my blog has no subscribers. But I’ve been carrying on at this blog nonsense for six years, so I am obviously undaunted. But at least my texting flubs are authentic. I’m fucking hilarious, man.

I *have* been able to whip my phone into submission enough to where it no longer defaults to “Buff” instead of “Niff”. “Niff” is definitely not “Buff”. It’s a nice thought, though. There’s never been a problem with Doppler, for obvious reasons. Although it does like to convert pi to Pi, so perhaps I’ve been de-propering pi all this time and not giving it the mad pi-props it’s deserved. Don’t I just pi-suck.

The problem with all of this auto-correcting is, no one needs to spell anything anymore. Even the words that are intended, by the time I’m three or four letters in, iPhone says, “here, let me get that for you…”, as if I can’t be bothered with typing out the whole thing. We’re all becoming verbally handicapped. People honestly don’t see the issue with using “your” instead of “you’re”. They sound the same…why do we need to spell them differently? (PLEASE see The Oatmeal’s Retarded Emails for documented evidence of this phenomenon; it’s hilarious and worth the time.)

Most of my spelling errors are due to typos because I can’t type for shit. I never took an official typing class. I’ve developed an accelerated and masterful “hunt and peck” method over the years. I should patent it. However, this does mean I still have to look at the keyboard when I type. Once in a while I get spunky and try to type while looking at the screen. Then all goes to hell. Like rtight now. This is goirnf to be gantastic. whaddia think? I mean, it’s not roo bad. It;s vbetter than it used to be, bt I wouldn;t sent a peofessonal correspondenxw this way. I look like a reyarded fourth gheader. I look like a defectine autocorrect progra, hasd taken over my clog/ jow unfortunale for mu feet apparently.

Fuck that. I’ve got the best penmanship of anyone I know and do amazing calligraphy, and have perfect spelling when I write. So nyah.

Voulez-voulez-vous my gerbil gets in the wau.
(from one of the censored autocorrects.)