>ARTHUR: Halt!

FRENCH GUARD: Allo! Who is eet?

ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

FRENCH GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and
shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

FRENCH GUARD: Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen. Uh, he’s already got one, you see.

ARTHUR: What?

GALAHAD: He says they’ve already got one!

ARTHUR: Are you sure he’s got one?

FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes. It’s very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)

FRENCH GUARDS: [chuckling]

ARTHUR: Well, u– um, can we come up and have a look?

FRENCH GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!

ARTHUR: Well, what are you, then?

FRENCH GUARD: I’m French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!

GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?

FRENCH GUARD: Mind your own business!

ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!

FRENCH GUARD: You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!

GALAHAD: What a strange person.

ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man–

FRENCH GUARD: I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

FRENCH GUARD: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

[sniff]
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable.

FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)

OTHER FRENCH GUARD: Quoi?

FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)

COW MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Voulez-voulez-vouz moo