Interesting headline crawled up my Facebook feed recently.
“Taller women more likely to develop cancer.”
I must confess to a somewhat morbid amusement and fascination with the reaction of some to these completely fanatical doomsday prognoses that are, in my mind, on par with those found in the tabloids:
“OH, I was having such a good day until I read this…”
“I’m so glad I’m short!”
“I’m just going to value my life all the more.”
“Trust in the Lord. God is good.”
In my estimation you’re more likely to die of a brain aneurism brought on by head trauma from knocking your ass out on the bulkhead of a boat than from height-related carcinoma. Fuck me in the eye, people. Really?
It just seems like we live in a pathogenically-paranoid society and this nonsense doesn’t help. When I was growing up, I didn’t get to stay home from school sick unless I was *bleeding from the eyes* and had a limb that was being held on by entrails.
So, I don’t mind articles that attribute smoking to cancer. That’s peachy. Great. Smoking’s bad for ya. Shouldn’t do it, quit smoking, cancer risk goes down, you have a little extra pocket cash every month, everybody wins. Obesity-related type-2 diabetes? Great! Quit eading McDonald’s, drink more water, ride a bike, health improves…pure win. Now…
Height-related cancer. Here we go:
“Lets see…you there. Ok…”
*whips out imaginary measuring tape*
“Well, hell’s bells, darlin’. You realize at 5’10”, you’re prolly gonna die of brain cancer, right?”
“What? Oh, no! Oh, no, what can I do? Eat better? Excercise?”
“Well, unfortunately, this is based on your height, so, you’re fucked. In fact, I don’t know why we even told you.”
“Oh, uh, ok. Should I eat right and excercise anyway?”
“Nah, don’t bother. I’d just drink and smoke and eat a vat of Crisco every night and just wait for the inevitable.”
“Is that covered by insurane?”
“Uh, no, not likely. Come to think of it, neither is this conversation, since it’s still considered to be ‘in research’. We’ll send you a bill. And the name of a sub-par therapist. Also not covered.”
*Patient then hurriedly storms outside and knocks themselves out on some painting scaffolding and gets hit by a car, killing her instantly.
Voulez-Voulez-vouz this blog has proven to cause cancer in laboratory test equipment.