over the river and through the woods…

I have re-discovered hiking. I used to be outside all the time, I got itchy sitting round the house on my days off. I would even go in the rain with my waterproof gear. But then I got my server job, and having such a physical job made me lazy in my free time, and my hiking excursions tapered off to about one every month or so. I forgot how much I loved it. Now that I’m doing my personal training program, I’ve found that on my two “solo workout” days a week, on which I am supposed to do cardio only, it is rather unenjoyable to plod along on a treadmill for an hour staring at a television screen with dozens of other plodders staring at television screens. Last week, it occured to me: DUH! I live much closer to trails than I do to the gym, the weather has been rain-free albeit chilly, so why the hell am I not outside?

For a while, before I discovered the Alpine Lakes area, Mount Si was my favorite trail. It is an 8-mile round-trip hike, with a 3,300-foot elevation gain. It’s a doozie. The view from the top is unbelievable; you can see Mount Ranier and Mount Baker, not to mention the entire Cascade Mountain Range, which right now, is covered with snow. I’m thinking of heading out there today; there is just a tiny amount of snow at the top, but not so much as to impede my efforts. There’s blue skies and it’s about 47 degrees out, which it great for hiking since it lowers the nasty-funk-sweaty factor. The entire hike takes about four hours, which should make my trainer happy. I’m kicking my own ass in my free time.

The last time I hiked Mount Si I got a little cocky. I made it to the top in my own personal record time. So, on the way down, feeling spunky, I pretty much ran down the entire 4 miles. Life was good. I kicked ass.

At work the next morning, life was not so good.

At some point mid-morning, my quadriceps decided to not work anymore. They just gave up. Serving tables with retired thigh muscles is not altogether that easy. But, I struggled through it. I almost made it through the morning until I turned the corner out of the kitchen with a tray of mimosas and in a big “f— you” gesture, my legs gave way. Right there in the hall. I was covered in orange juice and champagne. As I had done this to myself, I received little sympathy from my manager. What I did receive, however, were a round of guffaws from my co-workers. Bastards.

So, needless to say, from that point on, I left my ego at the top. I think it’s still hangin’ around up there someplace. I’ll have to look for it when I get up there this afternoon.

voulez-voulez-vous see ya.

>another 10.

>Of things I dislike. Enjoy.

1. The word “however”. As in, “it looks like a mosquito bite, however, it could be a flesh-eating bacterium…”

2. Flexi-straws that split when you expand them, and you get this half-fluid half-air combo that bulges through your esophagus in the most uncomfortable way.

3. Comments on my blog calling me a “diry little slut”. I wasn’t planning on telling anyone, you.

4. When the Spurs lose to shitty teams.

5. I know I have covered velour jogging suits, but my hate of them has been renewed thanks be to a new mutant strain of the as-of-yet incurable trophy-wife epidemic: the velour jogging suit featuring the wearer’s initial as the zipper pull. Christ help me.

6. Those little animated advertisements on channels like Spike and Comedy Central that appear in the lower left corner of the show you’re currently watching. They’ve even integrated sound effects. Bastards.

7. This one I find more amusing than annoying but here goes: those ads for pharmaceutical companies that go along touting the miraculous benefits of the drug they’re advertising, then possible side effects. Observe: “(name of drug here) may cause nausea, vomiting, headache, gastrointestinal blockage, bleeding from the eyes and ears, paranoia, hair loss, and in extreme cases, has been known to cause people to be hit by a bus. Contact your physician if these side effects persist for longer than a week.”

8. Slow news days. “Why your favorite dog treat can be a danger to your beloved pet. Only on WTF7 news, at 11.”

9. Censors who, rather than just leave a silent pause in place of the profane word, instead dub over a completely new word in a voice quite unlike the actor’s which delivers none of the passion of the original word. “What the (fudge) are you doing?” “I’m gettin this (spit) out of my car.” “Well hurry up. I gotta get home to my (priss) of a girlfriend.”

10. The fact that I went to Barnes & Noble on October 29th and they already had their Christmas shit out. I think it’s the goal of retailers to just obliterate Thanksgiving altogether.

Voulez-voulez-vous mmkay.

>Grandparents, Hooter’s and Football.

>
Yesterday was a good day.

We went to my grandparent’s house, only because we meant to go Wednesday but Grandpa had a Dr.’s appointment so the visit needed to be postponed ’till Friday.

So, we went yesterday. I don’t visit them very often for two reasons:

(keeping in mind I love my grandmother dearly…)

1. They live 2 hours away
2. Every time I visit, I am made very aware of every medical condition my grandmother is afflicted with. And repeatedly updated on the status of daily bodily functions. I feel this falls under the rubric of “eww”. But I let her go on. Not much else for her to talk about.

Lately, though, she has begun a new trend which, though has nothing to do with ailments or bathroom activities, is almost as disturbing.

She has been taking me on tours around the house showing me what she’s going to give me when she dies.

“This ceramic dog…do you like it? It’s for you when I die.”
“Do you like these dishes? This ladle? This will be…all for you.”

She also makes sure to let me know what my mother is getting so I know what I will be getting when my mother kicks off.

“This curio cabinet is for your mom, so you’ll get it when she dies.”
“You like this clock? You’ll get it someday.”

If ever I want a mortality check, I’ll go to my grandmother’s.

My grandfather, however, is a different story.

“Hey, grandpa…how are you?”
“Old and ugly.”

This is his usual response.

When informed that my 9-year old cousin was spending the night at her friend’s house, and that her friend was a boy, his opinion was: “she ain’t spendin’ no night at no boy’s house!”
My grandmother to the defense: “He has leukemia!”
His counter: “I ain’t carin’ if he got syphilis!”

So, I spent about 4 hours at my grandparents house, being shown my inheritance inventory which unfortunately did not include the remodeled ’67 mustang with factory paint job and 120,000 miles nor the ’65 Plymouth Barracuda occupying the basement. Maybe when my mom and uncles die. Grandma predicts that they will all die from diabetes and cancer, so we’ll see how long I’ll have to wait. She hasn’t informed me of what I’m gonna die from. Suppose I’ll have to wait for that, too. Bollocks.

So, we began our 2-hour cruise home, and on the way, despite the fact that my husband and I are on his Nazi-esque boot camp diet and fitness program, I made him take me to Hooter’s for some hot wings. It’s my damn birthday. I’m gonna eat what I want on my birthday. Trainer be damned.

And, bonus! The Sonics game was on and we were seated right in front of the TV. Sonics sucked ass, but the wings were tasty. Good birthday so far. Waitress kinda forgot about us after a while, probably because she had several tables with some rather cute GI’s to flirt with. Cha-ching.

Great location for a Hooter’s, though. It’s right near Ft. Lewis which is where, coincidentally, I was born. Thirty years ago. Funny, that.

The evening ended with hubby and I chillin in the recliner and couch respectively watching “The Longest Yard” on Pay-Per-View. That was a kick-ass movie. We’re gonna watch it again before it passes it’s 24-hour expiration. Stone Cold Steve Austin shitting himself was one of the funniest damn things I’ve seen in a while. Too bad it won’t carry over to Smackdown! or Monday Night Raw. Triple-H or John Cena would start having “shit yourself matches” where the one who shits themselves first loses. They could have a World Shitter Title belt. Eww…carrying this too far, I am.

So, I didn’t go out partying all night and getting blitzed to celebrate a monumental birthday. I spent it with my family and my husband, and some hot wings, and it was more than awesome.

Voulez-voulez-vous hollah.

>projectile vomiting

>Tip:

When you know you have a session with your personal torturer (trainer) at 4 pm, make sure to consume more calories than what are contained in the two protein shakes you had for the day. The consequences are not pleasant.

Thanks to this new nutritional program my husband and I are on, you’re not hungry all to often. An I am not very good at force-feeding myself as he is. So I wasn’t hungry, it didn’t occur to me to eat.

Force-feeding would have been an Eden-esque alternative to the illness and dry-heaving that ensued for no less than two hours last night after my training session. I am sitting here in the throes of the after-effects glaring at my daily morning protein shake wishing it would just dissolve into oblivion and leave me alone.

Okay. I’ve learned my lesson. So, I am going to continue with my week-long pre-birthday vacation with my husband. You’ll notice I’ve discontinued the countdown. I began to see why y’all thought of it as annoying. Quite.

Ah. Bry has put a ‘date movie’ on for us. We’re gonna go watch the South Park movie. And i’m gonna finish this damn shake.

Long-live Terrence and Phillip Asses of Fire.

Voulez-voulez-vous projectile vomiting

>damn the mavericks, damn nowitski, and damn duncan for bein’ a score-only-three-points-in-the-second-half-when-the-spurs-are-meant-to-dominate shmoo.

whaddahell.

himpy canine jousting flapjack II

Lumpy marmots swimming by…
Turtle parsnips weep;
Blankly flitting burlap swags
Spitting violet sheep.

Flimsy dimpled flying kelp
Harbinger of Whee
Quick-draw plumber smacks a flue
Yelps a symphony.

Partridge clammers busy flee
Justly hanging newts
Murky gargle chutney fleas,
Velour jogging suits.

Lolling knuckle cabbage bomb
Whisking butter gobs
Nubby tinkle fishhead bumps
Shampoo gorged ear-bobs.

Chasing ricochet teepee
Looping daftly moon
Wherefore art thou chicken dart?
This poem ends too soon.

Voulez-voulez-vous wtf?