Niff.Dot

>
you definitely know you spend too much time at the computer when your theories about the human mind can be explored by the acknowledgment of a couple of shortcut keys.

allow me to explain.

(sidenote: this concept relies heavily upon the “if you could be anywhere in the world right now…” cliche, so bear that in mind.)

So I’m at my desk at work, and my coworker/partner-in-crime Carrie is still visiting her sister in Chicago (yeah, as if her sister is more important than me. Even if it is her birthday) and since Carrie and I are pretty much the only ones who occupy that particular space in the office, when she is not present, it gets pretty damn lonely. And boring.

One can learn a lot about themselves in prolonged fits of loneliness. Like, the five different types of loose-leaf teas i have in Ziploc baggies in my desk drawer look completely similar to something not even remotely resembling tea in its purpose of consumption. (Non-sequitur, I realize, but hey, welcome to my life.)

Loneliness breeds boredom which in turn can foster some pretty radical thinking. As I sat there, lost in a sea of emails and medical charts, flipping back and forth (Alt+Tab) between my Outlook window and my Firefox browser (say it with me: Wikipedia is my friend), something (Alt+Tab) occurred to me.

I’m at work.

Alone. Don’t wanna be here. Hell, I’m bored. Kinda sleepy, too…tea is definitely not supplying my caffeine needs…no one to talk to…nodding off…fighting heavy eyelids…

*yawn*…

(Alt+Tab)

Dude…what? Damn it’s bright…uh, sweet! I’m not at work, but where…oh, wait…it worked! Brilliant! Uh, dude…that ain’t right, I mean, are you serious…whaddahell??? Shit…look out…that’s a whole lotta not-goodness over there…how many Alpacas is that, anyway?? Are they supposed to be stampeding animals? Oh, this is gonna be BAD…this is – this will only end in tears, I just know it. What the bloody hell am I supposed –

(Alt+Tab)

Umph…huh? *snort* huh. Where was I? Oh, yeah…

((thud))

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Of course the possibilities are endless with this theory, and does not necessarily have to involve a mass influx of hooved animals, unless you’re into that sort of thing, and if you are…uh…damn.

voulez-voulez-vous you kinky perv.

>so, i’ve noticed that there are dozens upon hundreds upon tens of thousands of people doing all kinds of stuff which just happens to coincide with me doing various types, sorts, varieties of my stuff on a rather regular basis.

Who the hell are these bastards and just what is this stuff they’re doing, anyway? Bloody hell.

And it’s not so much the stuff they’re doing is the problem, it’s how they go about conducting their stuff that presents itself as the challenge. Efficiency is key, people. If there is to be stuff, the stuff must be carried out in a way that is least intrusive and imposing upon others.

Example.

People who make unecessary complete STOPS at yield signs. Caution is one thing. I understand this. You can never be too careful, ounce of prevention, look both ways, blah fucking blah. But when there is a line of three or four cars behind you and you sit, pointlessly, when the road has been clear for an appropriate amount of time and it is evident that a collision is no longer imminent? You are thereby preventing the line of three or four cars behind you from conducting their stuff, i.e. getting to wherever the hell it is they’re going in a timely manner because you are – HA! – instufficient!

(Wrong word usage, I realize, but funny, no?)

It’s interesting to notice people and their stuff. What the stuff is that they’re doing, why they’re doing the stuff, why they’re doing their stuff that way, et cetera. Everyone thinks that they can do everyone else’s stuff better than everyone can do their stuff themselves.

More on this stuff later.

voulez-voulez-vous work in progress

>http://widgets.clearspring.com/o/460996bb56eedc8d/465dd19437d505fd

>Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…for your enlightenment and pleasure, I present to you the Jennifer Lankenau’s official Guide to Blogging:

Submit a blog.

Wait…a while.

Wait some more.

Kinda wait some more until you forget you have a blog.

In a conversation with friends the topic of LiveJournal (ugh)comes up.

In a moment of panic you realize, “holy shit! I have a blog!”

Next day at work, you sweep the dust and cobwebs off and make a pathetic attempt to write something, anything, to reassure yourself that yes, you are still a blogger. Albeit a neglectful one.

Share and enjoy.

So, Monday, raining, Tuo Cha tea, Tori Amos (yes, I confess to a fondness for whiny chick music. It’s my thing. Let it go.), three-alarm fires at the north end of the street I work on, raining, beaucoup de charts to check in, raining, avoiding the chocolate chip cookies in my boss’ office, and, well, raining.

the moving out process is nearly complete. All that remains is to paint one of the upstairs bedrooms and all of D’s crap in the basement. Wait, I’m sorry…not crap. All of D’s belongings. And, well, stuff. Anyway, that’s it.

This is Roger. Everyone, say, “Hi, Roger!”

“Hi, Roger!!!”

Excellent. Roger is a 6 month old Pit Bull Terrier. Roger likes to play tug of war, dig in the trash, drink from the toilet and attack the ocean. Roger is a great catcher and was offered a tryout on the Mariners farm team but he chose to stay with me so that he can spend his time loafing about on the sofa upstairs and emitting large quantities of gaseousness which I suspect are a side effect of his constant need to eat the cat’s food. And the cat’s, well, uh…(insert faux gagging sound here -> _____)
For some reason D&T don’t want kisses from Roger. Nor do they want kisses from me after I’ve been kissed by Roger. You’d think the parents of a now 5-year old would be able to stand a little Kitty-Roca breath. I’ve seen that kid do some pretty sick things myself. 5 year-old boys, man. Ew.

>Dear God. It’s Opening Day. I’m never leaving work today.

Allow me to explain.

I work in Pioneer Square. Right across from Qwest Field. And Safeco Field.

The Opening Day game is at 3:35 pm. I am off from work at 4:00 pm.

Like I said, I’m never leaving work today.

Not that I mind baseball, at all. If I was going to the game perhaps I wouldn’t be harboring such resentment. But getting tickets now, on opening day? Heh. Besides, I have to watch the big NCAA game tonight…I’m in first place in the bracket my workplace has going. I’m already committed.

voulez-voulez-vous IIIIIIII-chirooooooo…..

postscript: This blog has landed me a supreme spot on the Google search engine under Qwest Field Parking:

>This one’s gonna be good.

The goal here is to only refer to yourself in the third person. This is more challenging than it seems. Because as well-meaning as you are initially, you begin to forget, and slip back into your old first-person ways.

Jennifer knows this. Jennifer has done this.

So far i have four people on board. Peter is dragging his feet a bit though. Peter doesn’t think Peter can do it. Jennifer disagrees. Jennifer believes this can be

legend…..

(wait for it…)

DARY!

Jennifer will try to keep you posted as the day progresses. Jennifer encourages everyone to join in on the festivities as Jennifer wishes to see how this will affect her colleagues. Jennifer acknowledges that this style of communication may in fact alter others’ perception of her intelligence. This is a risk Jennifer is willing to take in order to pursue her dream.

Updates to follow.

THIS ONE IS REALLY UPSETTING PEOPLE.

ISN’T IT AMAZING HOW MUCH SIGNIFICANCE CAPITAL LETTERS HOLD IN THE ONLINE CONVERSATIONAL CONTEXT? DESPITE THE DISCLAIMER THAT THE WEDNESDAY THEME WAS “CAPSLOCK WEDNESDAY”, AND WAS NOT INTENDED TO CONVEY ANGER IN ANY WAY, THE FORMAT OF MY MESSAGE WAS STILL OFFENSIVE NONETHELESS.

ALTHOUGH IT WAS BLOODY HILARIOUS TO READ VARIOUS PEOPLE’S RESPONSES TO MY CAPSLOCK WEDNESDAY ANNOUNCEMENT:

SHANNON

me: TODAY IS CAPSLOCK WEDNESDAY!!!
Shannon: WELL THEN TAKE THIS!!
me: WHAT DID I SAY?
Shannon: NOTHING ITS CAPSLOCK DAY SO I CAP LOCKED YOU TEHE
me: DON’T YOU CAPSLOCK ME YOUNG LADY!
Shannon: HEY YOU STARTED IT. DON’T MAKE ME TELL ON YOU….WELL MAYBE NOT THAT BUT…YEAH
me: MY FOOT ITCHES!!!

KRISTEN

me: TODAY IS CAPSLOCK WEDNESDAY
kristen: stop yelling at me.
me: I’M NOT! IT’S CAPSLOCK WEDNESDAY
kristen: argh, I won’t put up with all this yelling.
me: YELL AT MATT!
kristen: I don’t yell at Matt, you nut. now, if you don’t cease this yelling, I will be forced to go.
🙂
ok, actually, I need to go anyway, but the caps lock thing makes me nuts. No matter how hard I try not to hear it in yelling I can’t seem to keep it from doing that in my head.
me: matt thought it was pretty damn funny cuz he’s been typing in capslock all day =P
kristen: heh

MATT

me: TODAY IS CAPSLOCK WEDNESDAY
mattmay: OMFG THATS FUNNY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN TYPING WITH CAPSLOCK ALL DAY LOL
me: DUDE! YOU ARE SO IN!
mattmay: WOOT
LUNCH TIME YAY
me: CHAT WITH KRISTEN IN CAPSLOCK!
SHE LOVES IT!
MY FOOT ITCHES!

BLAIR (CARRIE’S SISTER)

me: TODAY IS CAPSLOCK WEDNESDAY
blair.cibuls: OH I LIKE THAT!
IT’S LIKE EVERYONE IS ANGRY ALL DAY
me: ME TOO
ANGRY IS GOOD!
MY FOOT ITCHES!!!
blair.cibuls: SCRATCH IT FOOL!
me: WHAAAAGHHH!

CARRIE

me: TODAY IS CAPSLOCK WEDNESDAY
DaBoon: WOOOOOOOOOO
HAVE A GREAT DAY
me: YOU TOO!
DaBoon: STOP YELLING AT ME
!!!!
me: OKAY!
I WILL STOP YELLING AT YOU!
MY FOOT ITCHES!!!
DaBoon: I AM SORRY ABOUT THAT!!
me: ME TOO! IT WON’T STOP!
me: NOBODY LIKES ME ANYMORE
NOW I’M REALLY BEING IGNORED.
DaBoon: DON’T BE LIKE THAT

WIKIPEDIA:

On Internet chat systems and Usenet, typing in all capitals is considered rude, the large letters akin to shouting or yelling within the social context. On a more practical level, caps lock may be difficult to read. [1] A user who excessively uses capital letters may be advised to “lay off the caps lock.”

Use of the caps lock is also associated with newbies who do not consider the appearance of their writing. On the PC keyboard used with most operating systems (Mac OS X excluded), holding the shift key with caps lock on will produce a lowercase letter, yielding a text style considered typical:

tHIS USER loves HER/HIS cAPS lOCK KEY.

VOULEZ-VOULEZ-VOUS shhhhhh….

>

The Seattle RV & Outdoor Recreation Show
Qwest Field & Event Center
February 8th to 11th, 2007

By far the largest RV Show on the West Coast, The Seattle RV & Outdoor Recreation Show is now in its 44th year with more exhibits than ever.

If you’ve never been to the show, you’ll be amazed at the number and variety of RVs on display from dealers throughout the Pacific Northwest region. Conveniently located inside the Qwest Field & Event Center, you’ll be able to compare and choose your next RV in a comfortable, no-pressure environment. If you have been to the show in the past, you’ll want to explore the new Adventure Video sessions along with the Tow & Towed Vehicle display. You’ll also find many useful daily seminars along with RV accessory booths to get just what you need to enjoy the RV lifestyle.

The Qwest Field parking lot sells monthly parking passes so local employees are ensured a place to camp their vehicles during the business day. (They are, of course, not valid for special events. Bitches.). I have one such pass, mostly because the weather has been less than stellar and I don’t feel like taking the bus because I am an apparent transportation snob.
Upon arriving to work this morning I couldn’t help but notice the large number of RV’s occupying the entire left-hand side of the lot. There were also a number of boats on the right-hand side of the lot, residuals from the Big Seattle Boat Show which transpired last weekend.

Shit, I thought. If I don’t have a place to park all week I’m gonna be pissed.

Bitches.

The parking lot attendant assured me that yes, all monthly pass holders were still permitted to park in the lot despite the rapid influx of campers and motorhomes. I thanked him and started across the crosswalk, nearly intercepting a Ford F250 hauling a camper and completely disregarding the stop sign to his right.

Bitches.

Walking up to my office doors I noticed two more RV’s meandering down 2nd Ave. South. Whaddahell, I thought.

A bit of background:
The office where I work faces 2nd Ave. South. 2nd Ave. South leads directly into the north parking lot of Qwest Field. I reside at the receptionist desk. My desk faces the front doors. The front doors face 2nd Ave. South.

Sit down at my desk, open email. Make tea.(RV) Print daily documents (RV). Check voicemail (RV, RV). Huh.

I was noticing a trend.

In an act of curiosity coupled with boredom, I decided to begin a tally. A tally of all the RV’s that passed by the double doors to the office which faced 2nd Ave South. Of which the receptionist desk I occupied and naturally had the perfect vantage point to conduct such a study. I kept this tally on several heart-shaped Post-It notes I had ordered especially for Valentine’s Day in order to promote festivity (is that even a word?) via small, assorted colors of pink pieces of sticky heart-shaped paper to commemorate St. Valentine himself. As I can’t post Post-It notes on my blog, a more digital format was created.
Naturally, several more RV’s have passed by in the process of writing this. About 12, to my estimation. And I’m too lazy to make another jpeg illustrating this additional information. (13).

Co-workers, in either curiosity or acknowledgment of what they perceived to be my odd-ness, would pop by periodically to see what the count was at. After the tally reached 87, RV Tally Monday reached inter-office notoriety.

With the rapid influx of RV’s observed throughout the day, I remain concerned as to the availability of parking tomorrow morning.

Bitches.

‘Till tomorrow then.

Voulez-voulez-vous Winnebago.

>Today is Stupid Girl Wednesday. So sayeth I.

Now, before you begin to get offended, hear me out…

Stupid Girl Wednesday: if you are lacking a Y-chromosome you are hereby immune from all accountability or responsibility because any such act would result in a liability I’m sure most are not ready to accommodate.

This weekday theme didn’t quite catch on as I had hoped. It seemed brilliant in theory, but as I was to soon find out, in practice it was not so popular. For some odd reason, it was believed by my friends and coworkers that such behavior would be neither well-received nor tolerated as not everyone would subscribe to the fabulousness that is…

Stupid Girl Wednesday.

It is so hard to get people to see your vision.

I had one taker. Terri thought this had potential and decided to run with it.

Terri: “I’m not sure that I can come up with anything, after all it is Stupid Girl Wednesday.

Maybe I will get in my car and sit in a parking lot somewhere and call work
to say I am stuck in traffic and these cars just are not moving. Damn, I
wish I would have known it was Stupid Girl Wednesday when I was actually on
my way to work this morning.”

I was so bummed that this brilliance did not come from me. I’m so stealing that. It will be mine. Oh, yes. It will be mine.

I have to sneeze. Ugh…wait…no I don’t. Wait…whaaaghh. It’s gone again. Dammit.

Voulez-voulez-vous bless you.

>monday, january 29th, 2007: fuss monday.

(So I’m posting this a day late. Thank you for your amazing attention to detail.)

first things first: Goldie Hawn stole my car. I’m uber-pissed. (I’m seriously considering pressing charges, but also considering the vehicle she absconded with, I’m willing to view it as a blessing in disguise…)

My fuss? I’ve been up since 4 am. My boyfriend had a 7 am flight which means he had to be at the airport at 5 am which means we had to leave the house by 4:30 am which meant we had to be up by 4 am but I ended up getting treated to a waffle at Denny’s which made it somewhat worthwhile but the early wake-up call in itself somewhat set the tone for the day and made me more sensitive than usual to things I wouldn’t normally find irritating giving me even more material to fuss about. And this, my friends, is what you call a run-on sentence.

Upon my arrival to work, I decided that the best way to get my mind off my woes was to deal with everyone else’s. So I sent out a very selective inter-office email to see just what was pissing everyone off. Observe:

Mo-Wee-Sha: That she had to work this weekend
Socks that won’t stay up

Carrie Da Boon: 1. February is on Thursday. Februarys suck.
2. Not having a transporter to get me back and forth to work.
It would be nice to just be able to push a button and be
there.

Melissa: That it’s Monday. (I promptly 86’d this response figuring it would
be the most popular one…)

Susan: I forgot my water bottle. I’m thirsty.

Terri: There are too many to name today. I think I should win hands down. (I
promptly informed her that this didn’t count, that since this was going
to be in my blog i would need something more witty than that…she
disagreed and alternately scowled at me.)

Sylvia: My fuss is that our water heater went out over the weekend and it’s
still not fixed!!

Greg: 1) A single spurt of coffee left in the carafe
2) Not being able to eat lunch until 3:15pm

However, no fuss, no muss.
And who doesn’t love muss?
Nobody.

(Of course i couldn’t let that go unchallenged…

To: Greg *. ****
Subject: RE: Fuss Monday

I must say I am much more a fan of the muss than the fuss as the muss is a
mess and the fuss is a fit and the mess and the fit dont mesh cuz the fuss
makes a muss and the fit makes a mess and the resulting mish-mash mess of
muss and the fuss is undoubtedly peculiar.

voulez-voulez-vous junk mail.